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If I was Mary Alice, I would run away, too

So yesterday I was at the mall.  Because, ya know, I work there.  And this lady comes into the store.  Suzie greeted her.  Blah blah retail blah.  I dust.  The next thing ya know, crazy momma is all, “Have you seen my daughter?”

Um, no.  You have a daughter?

Crazy momma: Did she come into the store with me?

Suzie: Yeah, but I think she went back out.

*In my head: Shouldn’t you know that?*

CM:  Oh my goodness!  Mary Alice!

Suzie and I look at each other.

CM: (now in mall hallway) MARY ALICE!  Have you seen my daughter? MARY ALICE!!

Customers in surrounding stores stand in doorways and stare.

CM: Have you seen my daughter?  She has brown hair, and a feathery black bow in her hair and red hoop earrings. . .she’s 13.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph, HELP ME! MAARYYY ALIIICE!

*In everyones’ heads: She’s THIRTEEN? And you’re freaking out THIS much?*

Boss-lady: Is there something wrong with her kid?

CM: LOCK DOWN THE MALL! MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING! MARY ALICE.

Some kind sucker sits crazy momma on the bench and tries to calm her down.  The result:

CM: WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE? MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING!

Right about now, I decide to call the customer service desk to ask for a security guard.  Conveniently enough, one just cruised up on his segway.  Yes, the mall cops drive segways.  I like to think of them as glorified tricycles.  I raced one today (in my head, again), but the poor sucker lost.  And I’m short.

But I digress.

CM: MAAAAARYYY AAAALIIIIICE.

At this point, I’m pretty sure Mary Alice is cowering behind a potted plant somewhere, because she’s 13 and her mother is having a mental breakdown in the middle of the mall.  If I was Mary Alice, I would never come home again.

But apparently Mary Alice is not as easily embarrassed as your average 13-year-old, or is easily intimidated by mall-cops, and returned soon after Bobby the tricycle cop arrived.

And life at the suburban shopping mecca continued as before.

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